The Ordinary Story

This is a Failed Blog

2006-02-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

'And that's why the horses need horseshoes. Have you kids ever seen a horseshoe? What is a horseshoe? Are there any horsesocks? Is anyone listening to me?'

Ummm, so to that one lone reader out there who clicks in to check out the 'Ordinary Story' as enticing as it sounds to begin with: Please feel free to stop checking with us, because Doug, Ram, and I are incredibly lazy bastards and we've really accomplished nothing with this blog that we originally intended to. Perhaps one day. One bright shining, shimmering, splendid day, our quality writing brain powers will mold together and concentrate on the glory we foresaw in the early origin of this blog's conceptual creation and then later in its profound and enlivening birth.

But for now my friend, literally, the one friend, whomever is reading this, please feel free to take leave from your bold and under-appreciated daily watch over this promising, yet pitiful blog. For you are indeed paying it more heed than we the writers and forefathers ever have. Perhaps down the road, in a week, or maybe a month, you will randomly check back in to realize the writing, and further, the blog value, has exploded into glory and is now an exciting and lavanous volcano full of witty, entertaining, and alluring blog entries of hot ass magma. Until then however, you are dismissed, as we cannot provide the super, balltastic, and awe-inspiring blog we initially promised, at this moment. It turns out, we don't really like to write that much, or use our brain power for anything except understanding intelligent comedies and fortune cookies, and possibly coming up with zingers to burn one another good. I don't even know how I wrote this particular blog. I kind of blacked out there for a moment. And so, without further ado:

Douggy boy, your momma's so fat, she's on BOFE sides of the family.

now, mind your head.

That's a lotta hooch

2006-01-26T15:49:00.000-05:00

If only we could find underground passages with terrorists in them instead of weed.

Well, pray your local dealer didn't know anybody who knew anybody in Mexico.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11045234/

Try Surviving in Jail Ya Stupid Bitch

2006-01-25T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's official. You don't have to be smart, clever, or crafty to win on 'Survivor'.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11023392/

......dumbass.

There's a Bathroom On the Right

2006-01-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I just realized is Friday the 13th. Which is very creepy when you become aware of it. I almost let it pass me by. You probably wouldn’t have realized either. But guess what. It is. Something’s going down tonight. Yessiree Bob. You can bet the bottom dollar of your stack of chips that an event worth the craziness and randomness of Friday the 13th will occur this evening. It’s coming, I’m telling you. Oh, you’re not into that superstitious stuff? Well that’s cool. You’re entitled to your opinion (I guess). I’ll just talk to you later then. ……see ya…..byyyyyyye. ………

BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU that tonight is ALSO a FULL MOON!!! Ho Hoooooo! NOW try to be calm, cool, collected. Things are gonna go crazy tonight! I’m talking like Beyonce crazy. Up will be down. Left will be wrong. Dogs and cats will get along. BABIES WILL SHIT THEIR DIAPERS! Just keep your eye out, is all I’m saying.

LET THE RECORD SHOW that this is ALSO The Ordinary Story’s 13th posted blog!!!! LOOOKOUT I tell ya. Nothing this crazy will ever happen again…… for like at least a few years. So make sure to pay attention tonight. There’s a huge circus of a crazy night coming up!
If you’re a scaredy balls, then don’t go out tonight. There’s a bad moon on the rise. If you like an adventurous creepy night of bizarre occurrences, then by all means make it happen tonight. Just remember, shake your ass………but watch yourself.

12th post

2006-01-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

.......Brokeback Mountain.

Layout Changes.

2006-01-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

OK so apparantly the previous color scheme used was making people's eyes burst into flames or something so I applied some metaphorical eye balm. Hope that helps.

Talk Shows.

2005-12-16T12:21:00.000-05:00

Continuing my theme of posting about sleazy talk shows I will now describe the best momments of these talk shows. A top five list, as it were:

5) When a person finds out they have been dating a transexual.
4) When fights break out.
3) When slutty teens get yelled at for being slutty by big black men.
2) Mothers with fat babies being idiots, "He eat what I eat, I do what I want!"
1) Paternity tests when the obnoxious mother is 1000% sure some poor guy is the father and he isn't! Especially good when they compare the face of the baby to the guy, "oh he has his nose and eyes". (Also good when it's like the 4th different guy she is SURE of.)

"Looka him and looka him......Canchu see they da sam?! HE the baby's daddy! LOOKA HIM and LOOKA HIM!!!"

T.O. has B.O.

2005-12-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

So deoderant is a funny thing. It's been invented specifically to apply to the underarm because that is where we smell the most on our bodies. Women smell too. But this will be the last time I mention that to myself because we in society rarely notice it. First of all, because women generally have better showering schedules than men. This is for a few reasons, but an example would be that women need to plan to give themselves time to shower, straighten their hair (or whatever women are doing these days), apply make-up, apply nice smelling agents strategically, go through many drafts of clothing ideas, and then get ready to go. Men need to watch 3 straight episodes of sportscenter (while they are actually all the same episode) and then find his shoes before a woman gets mad at him for being lazy. Now these are unfair generalizations I know. But my thesis on this blog is not.

This is that women not only prepare themselves to not smell so much, but most importantly, use full potential of their underarm deoderant (which can be titled "secret" because it's so confidential that we usually have no way of knowing they have deoderant on). Men's deoderant should be called "loud" or "obvious" in this case, because while women not only do not perspire or smell as much as men, they also (usually) don't have underarm hair because they were careful to remove it in the long, getting ready process I mentioned earlier. Men ofcourse, (better) have at least some underarm hair, if not a forest. The reason I mention this is because it occurred to me that while men apply deoderant as the quickest and easiest way of removing or masking odor, we are not actually "applying" it like we think. You see, that whole region of hair is covering an important area of skin where pores release odor. The deoderant is meant to be applied to skin so that (like women), the odor becomes a deoderant scented aroma, which is not actually an odor at all. Instead, men end up smelling like B.O. scented deoderant, which is technically an oxymoron, I know, but what do you want from me?

So you see, women actually are much smarter than men at being sweet smelling and attractive. Obviously, that's no "secret" though, it's just that I recently figured out one of the reasons. Does this mean I'm going to shave my armpits? You bet your ass I will not. But, a salute to women and the fact that they strive to be as sexy and good smelling and non hairy as possible, as we males like them. All the while, being attracted to and getting with smelly guys who do not take any particular care of their body. It's all a beautiful, almost natural thing. Thank god for double standards.

Springer.

2005-12-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

This has been thought about many time by many people but I cannot understand how the "unknowing" people go onto Jerry Springer. I just saw an episode where poor victims found out their boy/girlfriend was a transvestite. It's so painfully obvious to everyone, first of all, that the person is a transvestite. Second of all, the significant other always walks out onto the stage with just an eager anticipation like they might only be there to get a box of candy or something. You know if your on Jerry Springer, shit is going to hit the fan somehow. I would go through every possible horrible situation possible to figure out what why exactly I was there. If there was the smallest doubt in my mind that my girlfriend was a man and I happened to be going on Jerry Springer, that would pretty much confirm it. I would walk out on stage with such a look of dread. This all is under the assumption that most of Springer is real because I know people are stupid.

Choice Annoyances

2005-12-14T12:41:00.000-05:00

Hey heads. Sorry it took me a while to put up another blog but you guys know how finals can be.Anywho I got some things I want to get off my chest. Everyone in this world has little things that they consider annoying. Those little innocent actions that get under your skin and, though it may not bother anyone else, it is enough to make you want to go to the gas station and break all the protection seals on the Snapple bottles just so people have to think twice. Yes all, I am talking about pet peeves. I do not know the origin of the phrase. Personally I think it’s a dumb way to explain it. Yes I know it’s a cute use of alliteration but I do lose a bit of my manhood every time I mention it. I have a few of these “choice annoyances” that I would like to explain to you in hopes that in future meeting we could avoid all the piss flavored green tea.

First I would like to tell you about the mispronunciation of one of my favorite snack time treats. That is the Reese’s Peanut butter Cup. I can see some of you know where I am going with this. I don’t know why people insist on calling them Reeseeeey’s or even say the mind numbly imprudent Reeseeeey’s Pieceeeey’s. I can’t even type how you say it, it is that ridiculous. Lets take a look at the name of the candy. Reese’s Pieces. There is a guy named Reese and these “Pieces” belong to him. This is a standard use of plural possessive. And the word Pieces. Well that’s just the fucking English language. I don’t know who started this trend but it must be stopped. If you are one of the culprits that commit this offense of articulation, shame on you. You are no longer invited to go Trick or Treating with me.

The last choice annoyance that I will share with you is this. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event? Every time there is a change of possession or the inning is over or there is a time out, the stadium camera crew likes to film the crowd and show them on the big screen in the stadium. Usually it is small children, or a cute couple, or sometimes you get lucky and they film that morbidly obese guy who decided to take off his shirt in the –5o snowy weather so he can show off his body paint of horrifying handwriting and appalling spelling for the “PATRIETS”. The thing that annoys me is when the people being filmed see themselves on the screen and if they don’t hide under their poncho or just start screaming and jumping they will wave… TO THE SCREEN!!! So now the entire stadium has a great look at your right ear as you wave to your fucking self. Generally the cameraman is 10 feet away from the person they are filming so the “I didn’t know where to look” excuse doesn’t apply. Please people if you have to look at yourself, go to the restroom and look in the mirror and you can wave all you want. You are taking camera time away from the people we want to see, like the new guy and the boss getting filmed awkwardly on the KISS ME CAM or the cheating husband that was suppose to be on a business trip to Detroit. These people make the down time of sporting events tolerable. So the next time you are watching your home team fumble, on what could have been the game winning drive, to hand the game over on a silver platter please remember; wave to the camera, say “Hi mom”, no its not played out, and enjoy your time in the limelight while 40,000 other people stare and judge your every flaw.

Hmm, choice annoyances....oh yeah. Fucking elevator behavior. It drives me crazy when I'm getting in an elevator with someone on the first floor and they push the 2 button. You can't use stairs you fatass? That is why you are fat. I don't care if you have one leg, you hop up those stairs.

There is something worse than the above annoyance. Possibly the dumbest thing you can do in an elevator. I hate it, probably just because of the stupidity. It actually has no bearing on my life whatsoever but here it is. When I am riding an elevator going to say, floor 8. Now, when I pushed floor 8 at the first floor the button lights up indicating that the elevator will go to that floor. Normal elevator behavior. Allright, so the elevator stops at floor 2 and Fatty "One Leg" McDouche in the previous annoyance gets off and someone happens to get on also looking to get to floor 8. That person will sometimes PUSH the ALREADY LIT UP 8th floor button. I don't know what goes through that person's head; "Oh, that guy looks a little incompetent, hmm, I better make sure the person who pushed this before did a proper job of pushing." I can't help but give a dirty look to those people.

This annoyance also applies to when waiting for an elevator and the directional button is already lit up but those people will STILL push it. I think its all just a lack of respect for light indicators. Respect the light indicator people. Someone should do something.

(TM)-

I do not like it when people eat with so much food that you can hear their mouf smacking together. In the same ball park, if you are drinking so heavily in a quiet room, (no matter what the drink) that anyone in a mile's radius can hear your "gulping" sound, I will punch you in the gut. Also, off the top of my head, I hate when people say "hells yeah" instead of "hell yeah". The last time I talked to Satan, he still had not mentioned anything about multiple hells.

Oh yeah, and this one will never get old. I can't stand it when I'm walking down the street or into someone's house and I have to walk past a dog who's owner consistently says "don't worry he/she won't hurt you. she's just playful." I KNOW the dog won't fucking HURT me you bitch! I'm just attempting to keep it's heavy slobber off my pants! Thanks for the huge pride crumbling kick in the nuts though.

What is the gall?

2005-12-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

I love when jackasses do something so out of line, someone inquires how he or she could have "the gall" to do it. "The gall" is hilarious. In more descriptive terms, it's impudence or audacity. I want to use it every chance I get but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I mean, everyone can't just be throwin' "the gall" around and expect it to keep it's sexy stature.

For example, T.O. had the gall to demand more than 49 million dollars after he already signed a healthy contract. Adam Sandler and Chris Rock signed away their souls to the devil to be funny for five years and have the gall to continue trying to be funny now that the five years has passed. But could I say, perhaps, Ram had the gall to take a bite of my cheesesteak when I wasn't looking?

The answer is no. Because Ram does not eat meat. Use your head. And in the future, pay mind to whether or not you are having the gall in a given situation. You might make more friends.

"The gall" just makes me think of gallstones.

Sitcom Humor

2005-12-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

So I was just sitting here thinking, and out of the blue I came up with this perfect television sitcom joke that may never have been used.

Picture this: Two characters are sitting in a room (possibly the kitchen). One is exhausted or hungover or in some wrecked shape while the other is brewing a pot of coffee. Just for the sake of names, let's call the brewer, Jules and the wreck, Vern. So Jules and Vern are engaged in some hilarious sitcom chatter about, who knows...a girl maybe. As the conversation winds down, it goes something like this:

....

Vern: ....and that's what she said.
Jules: It's gonna be cool man. I'm brewin' up some coffee for ya.
Vern: Forget it. I'm never gonna get out of this daze today.
Jules: Don't worry. My coffee never fails to wake someone up.
Vern: How could your coffee possibly be that much better?

That's when Jules grabs the boiling pot of coffee and splashes it in Vern's face.

EH? EHHH? Hilarious right? I'm not sure if any show has ever done it. If they haven't, they should. I would watch that sitcom.

Just Wondering.

2005-12-03T04:54:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

And it begins...

2005-11-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

A hoy hoy everybody. Dougy boy here writing my first blog ever. That’s right kids … EVER. I am what the French like to call “technology retarded.” I’m always the last on the boat. Fantasy teams, instant messenger, and don’t even get me started on facebook. I can be quite frustrating to friends and colleagues (especially Rammy) due to my lack of computer literacy. This is why it is ironic and terribly hilarious that I have chosen industrial technology as a major. But enough about me lets discuss the blog.

I always see blogs on peoples profiles and shit (oh can we curse on these things? I’ll ask Rammy…he hates me) ok I got the green light, fuckin a … anywho I thought it would be fun to have one and it dawned on me and the guys that the way we talk and interact and tell stories can be pretty entertaining. We have stories that will cross generations and inspire the uninspired. From music festivals and road trips to home movies to that time on the trampoline when Tad, Jared, and I decided to donate sperm but all mixed up to create the uber-sperm Pahuts-Maloses. We also hope to include small helpful tips about life that we have picked up in our tenure in this world. Keep and an eye out for the “Rules of Parties” and the “Legends”. There may be some sex, there may be some drugs, and there certainly will be some music. Should be some clean family fun. So get excited all you blog readers out there cause the Springfield reunion is coming your way.

The Beginning.

2005-11-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

Hello. My name is Ram. Learn creepily a lot about me here.

INTRO to US

2005-11-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

Hello to YOU. Let me be the first of the bunch to make our blog introduction. We are four old friends from Springfield, PA right outside of the Philly dilly as we in the business call it. It recently dawned upon us as we gathered for an infrequent reunion, that we should as a classic group of spark-minded, unique, almost youthful guys, start a blog strictly from our discrete vantage point. It’s a frivolous, fervent, flippant fearsome foursome and I think you’ll agree.

So who the hell are we? What a ridiculous question. It’s just us baby. Doug, Ram, Ryan, and Tad. Four strapping young brown haired lads in our early 20s. We all bring a special condiment to the table and that’s what makes us so tremendously awesome. Here’s the thing kids, we’ve known each other for a while and can fuse together on vastly entertaining stories of semi-fable and truth, as WELL as everyday observifications. Also, our diction is sublime. If there’s one take-home message in this introduction it’s this: we are very much the balls. Learn to live with that and you will think our site is blogtastic. And you will be right because it is. This will become your favorite everyday leisure read. You’ve already gone through all the Harry Potter’s. You even read those two Dan Brown books about Da Vinci’s code and the CIA just because everybody was reading them. NOW you get us, the hot mustard hiding boldly in your turkey on rye. You’re damn right you’re excited.

Me personally? I’m Tad. I’m the stylish one of the group. I love me a good tastycake lemon pie every now and again and I'm certainly no stranger to a pickup game of back yard soft foam horseshoes. I’m a little too lazy at times actually, and that’s why I’m gonna let my future blogs do the real talkin’ about me. Douggy, Neddy, and Rammy entries are coming soon as well so check out our delicious blog every day. It’s already off the chain.

…Seriously, take a gaze. Or perhaps a gander, depending on your region. Be the first kid on your block to do so. You will be heralded as king of blog scouting and your popularity will rise higher than Steve Holt or even Steve Perry.